2020-12-30 - Updated on 2021-01-09
Your intensity needs to be appropriate to their feelings - not too cool if they’re really mad, not blowing their feelings out of proportion, etc.
This does not necessarily mean you agree or empathize. You can still correct behaviors afterward - not giving the idea that anything they do is OK.
Don’t repeat their descriptions of themselves.
Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.
Let them know you’re listening without taking over the conversation.
“Mmmm, that bad!”
Asking why or probing does not work.
Let’s them konw you really understand.
Gives them a chance to correct you if you don’t, which is OK.
“Boy you’re angry!”
“That sounds frustrating!”
“I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists.”
“It’s not easy to get these shots week after week. I bet you’ll be glad when they’re over.”
Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear.
“Wouldn’t it be great if someone would discover a pain-free way to treat allergies?”
“I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”
Make a list of the things you need your children to do every day to understand your needs.
Don’t say please for things you need done immediately - it is for modeling social niceties.
These do not work:
Takes out the finger pointing, focus on what needs to be done.
Make sure it is age appropriate.
“Slacks are for playing in the garden; uniforms are for wearing to Brownie meetings.”
“Jessica, two wheels can ride in the street. Three wheels belong on the sidewalk.”
The One-Word Statement. Not your child’s name.
“Shoes”
“Dishes”
Describe what you feel. Not necessary to be eternally patiant!
“This isn’t a good time for me to look at your composition. I’m tense and distracted. After dinner I’ll be able to give it the attention it deserves.”
“It’s a good idea to steer clear of me for the next little while. I’m feeling irritable and it has nothing to do with you.”
Gives you a chance to take a breath. Encourages them to write back.
“I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
“I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”
“What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”
“You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”
Real ones not made up punishments.
“Child: Why is the toolbox locked? Father: You tell me why.”
You both (including child!) contribute ideas then decide together.
“What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”
Sometimes small choices represent more opportunitey for control of their life. Let them come up with options!
“Are you in the mood for your gray pants, or your red pants?”
Don’t tell them it’s easy. This makes them feel inadequate for not being able to do it - instead acknowledge difficulty like acknowledging their feelings.
“A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.”
Questions can put a burden on them even if that is not the intent. Did you have fun? Implies that something is wrong if they didn’t.,
“Glad to see you. Welcome home.”
Help them with the skills to answer their own questions.
“That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”
“Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”
Kids are often smart enough to figure ut if their ideas are bad or impractical, but the dream may be worthwhile in and of itself. Don’t be the one that kills it.
“So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”
Children experience fussing over them as an invasion of their physical privacy.
Let their business be their business.
“Why do you write with your nose on the paper?”
“Sit up when you do your homework”
“That old sweatshirt has got to go. Get yourself a new one”
When children hear themselves discussed, they feel like objects— possessions of their parents.
The real mark of respect for the child’s autonomy is to say to the inquiring adult, “Johnny can tell you. He’s the one who knows.”
When children want to do something they can’t or sometimes give into temptation, let them know of your confident in their ultimate readiness.
“I’m not concerned. When you’re ready, you’ll get into the water.”
“One of these days, you’ll use the bathroom just like Mommy and Daddy.”
“We’re having dinner in five minutes.”
Sometimes resistance is lessened when someone understands how you feel.
“I can see if it were up to you, you’d stay for a long, long time. It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much.” (while gently taking their hand and walking away)
“I’d like to help you out. The problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour.”
“Yes, certainly. Right after lunch.”
Takes the edge off the child’s intensity and gives the parent time to think through her feelings.
Help them understand their feelings, restate the problem, help them find resources. Then they may be in the state of mind to hear advice.
Respect their autonomy.
“How would you feel about bringing a video to the party, like the one with that new comedian? Maybe the girls will be too busy laughing to start whispering.”
Phrase it in terms of stating your values.
Don’t hint at weaknesses or failures.
Instead of evaluating or criticizing